Lately I have been trying to steer away from giving her treats, but rewards instead. She doesn’t get to choose if she wants her hair brushed because that’s just part of being a girl. But if she sits still I try to reward her with something other than candy. It may seem silly because she is so young, but I don’t want her to get into the habit that I am in of rewarding myself with food. In my opinion, “treats” should be given out just because and not as a reward for doing something. I am not perfect at this yet, but I am trying harder to change this habit I have created.

So here are some ideas of things we can reward our children with that do not contain sugar.

• Read them their favorite story
• Give them a sticker-I think all kids love stickers. And they last longer than candy.
• Praise them with words or give them a hug.
• Let them help with a project they are doing.
• Give them a few extra minutes of outside time.
• Let them stay up a bit longer before a nap.
• Let them invite a friend over.
• Plan a special outing.
• Create a sticker chart for them. If appropriate let them work toward a greater reward.

Remember that rewards should be age appropriate and toddlers need immediate gratification most of the time. Otherwise they will not recognize that they are being rewarded. And also, try to keep in mind that children do not need to be given a tangible reward for everything they do. If you do this you may fall into a trap of them expecting things. But a kind “thank you” or “good job” is always appropriate.

I came across some good tips when listening to a Mighty Mommy podcast the other day. Here are some of the highlights. First and foremost, we need to be an example. We need to be a “polite parent”. The best way for a child to learn to say thank you after receiving something is by hearing us do it.

We can also give recognition when we hear or see our children practicing good manners. Using phrases like, ” I really like the way you said please.” will make your children feel good about the choice they made and encourage them to do it more often.

Sometimes it’s not easy for our kids to think of the right thing to say, especially when it comes to toddlers. Using lead in words such as “what do you say when you need something?” will help them remember to use manners without them feeling like they are making a mistake.

Finally, we need to give our children opportunities to use their manners. Have them spend time with other children and adults. This gives plenty of situations where they can use their manners.

Our kids learn the most by watching us.  If we have good manners they will learn to have good manners too.

Pick a designated “time out” spot for any toys that are not picked up in a timely manner or according to your directions. When you see toys that are laying around or your child does not pick up their toys when asked, explain to your child that instead of them taking a time out the toys are going to need a “time out”. Place the toys in the designated spot and give your child a time frame for which they will need to stay. Depending on the situation this may be as short as a few minutes or as long as a few days. When the time frame is over, give them back to your child and ask them to put them away where they belong. You might also try this with a child who is having a hard time respecting their toys too.

Elizabeth Pantley has written a new book, “The No-Cry Potty Training Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Child Say Good-bye To Diapers.” In her book she talks about 3 areas in which to asses to see if your child is ready: physical, cognitive and social. She has a quiz to take to see if your child is ready. If you are interested in seeing the quiz, click here. I found the quiz to be helpful, but not an exact science. Again, every child is different and I disagree with trying to put them in the same category. She states that you’ll get better results if your child is speaking in sentences and has a larger grasp on language. I have a nephew that basically trained himself and was out of diapers at 20 months. I know he was an early talker, but most certainly wasn’t speaking in sentences. So, who knows? She may have something worth pondering. Give it a read and let me know what you think!

Related Posts:

Potty Training: The 15 minute rule

Potty Time Treats 

1. Don’t Major the Minors: Basically let the small stuff go or as I like to remind myself, we need to pick our battles. Set a list of priorities that you are going to stand firm on and let the other stuff go every once and a while. Like the article mentions there’s never been a child that has had serious harm by going one night without brushing their teeth or taking a bath. As long as you are standing firm with the rules that you fell strongly about everything else will turn out ok.
2. Assume your Home is Wired with a Nanny Cam: Sometimes it’s easy to let the politeness slide with our kids, especially when we know that nobody else is watching. If we run our household as though somebody is watching we will tend to be more polite to everyone and deal with situations differently. If you have a hard time with this concept actually set up a video camera for one night and go about your business with the family. At your convenience watch the tape and take notes on what you might improve on.
3. Put Guilt in it’s Place-Generally in the Trash Can!: Although guilt is a great motivator at times, we need to watch how often we use it. Try to only use guilt if it’s being used for a teachable moment. As difficult as it may be as a parent our kids need to hear the word “no” at times and there’s no way of getting around it.
4. If it Didn’t Work Before, Try Something New: There are all kinds of books and suggestions on how to discipline kids. Every kid is different which means that not every solution is going to work for every kid. You need to choose a technique that works best for your family or better yet your child. I have first hand knowledge of this. Our oldest son is extremely social so a time out is torture for him. He will do all he can to avoid this. Our second son on the other hand enjoys being by himself and would sit in a time out for an hour. This son is also pretty sensitive so usually having a good talk with him does the trick. Remember that just because your mom handled things one way while you were growing up, that it will work for you. Also what worked before might get old and need to be adjusted.
5. Focus on Teaching Compassion and Gratitude as Though you Would Teach Math and Reading: We often strive to make sure our children can read and are up to the standards in Math, but sometimes we forget that things like compassion and gratitude need to be taught to our kids as well. Yes, every so often and angel child will be born and these things will come more naturally to them, but that’s not the norm. Have plenty of discussions with your children and teach them the difference between right and wrong. Remind them how if feels when they are not treated fairly so they will not want to treat others that way. Have your kids help with meaningful service so they can learn to appreciate what they have. This also helps keep them from wanting more and more all the time.

By putting these tactics into play you will be on your way to having a more positive parenting experience. I know that not every day is perfect, but there is always a new day to start fresh.

Today, she decided at nap time that she wanted daddy to come home. That was it. Nothing was to change her mind. Nothing. So, the crying began and I couldn’t get her to stop. I tried disciplining her with a time-out to no avail. So, I switched gears and tried to snuggle with her. I even cheated and gave her a tootsie roll leftover from Halloween! I was desperate! Almost two hours into the ordeal, I could physically tell I was at my wits end and quickly losing all patience that I had left in me. I stopped myself, walked away from her and went into another room to sit down. I cried my guts out for a good five minutes, then cleared my head and reminded myself how much I loved that little girl. I then proceeded to go back into the room where she was and try the cuddling approach again. This time she responded to me and allowed me to hold her. Within 10 minutes she was fast asleep.

What I learned today was the importance of walking away when your patience runs thin. The worst thing I could have done for our relationship was to lose it and yell at her or to hurt her in any other way. She’s little and learning how to handle her emotions. By taking a personal time-out I found myself handling the situation like an adult and trying to figure out what works for her. By the end of the day my desire was not to just get away and have a break from her, but to want to spend more one on one time with her to build our relationship. The more time I invest in her, the more I’ll understand how to deal with her emotions.

We are not always right as parents, and we don’t always handle things the way we should the first time around. Recognizing that is a huge step. It’s okay to apologize to your kids. They will appreciate that you are trying, especially when they are teenagers! You are not alone if you lose your cool either. Just try to recognize your own emotions, and when you get to that breaking point – walk away. We need time-outs too!

We told our son that if he earned a month’s worth, he could have a reward at home as well. His two yellow checks were one in August and one in September, so he was elated when October came and he earned a whole month’s worth of green stars. We gave him some choices for his reward and he chose to take the whole family bowling. It’s on the calendar to do this weekend and we are all excited. I loved his teacher’s approach to honing in on the positive behavior. By doing so, you take the focus off any bad choices they may be thinking of making and focus their energy on being good and earning that coveted green star!

In early September our daughter started asking me if she could have a green star too. She had heard our son talking about his and wanted her own. She didn’t really know what it meant, but she knew he was working on it and wanted to do the same. What a genius thought! Who would have thought that the 2 year old would come up with the idea to implement the star system at home?! We have a calendar on the wall in the kitchen that we use for our stars at home. Each night the kids go in the kitchen with me and we talk about our day and the choices we’ve made and we write down what they’ve earned. I will admit, our little girl gets lots of yellow checks, but she is so excited when she gets a green star. Oftentimes now when she knows she’s made a bad choice, she’ll cry and say she wants her green star!

You can use whatever system you like. The point is to simply focus on the good behavior. The more energy you put into acknowledging the good things your children are doing, the more excited they will be to keep up the good work. It’s so easy to zero in on the bad behavior, but that only brings them down emotionally. Try using simple daily rewards that aren’t food and don’t cost a thing like the stars. A cheap sticker works well too. The last thing you want to teach your child is to reward themselves with food or to expect big rewards every time they make a good choice. Make a point to talk to them about the personal satisfaction of doing well, so they understand that they don’t need a physical reward every time. Give it a try and find out which system your children respond to the best. I think the stars stuck so well for us because our son thinks so highly of his teacher, that anything she suggests is gold to him. Old fashioned trial and error is always the best!

My sister-in-law, Amy, became a mother a full three years before I did, so I’ve always looked to her for the majority of my child-rearing questions. One day, I heard her telling their oldest that he had made a bad choice and that he needed to focus on making good choices. It may seem simple, but her concept is ingenious. When teaching our children, we constantly focus on everything they are doing are results of the choices they make, be them good or bad. By doing so, we are empowering them to choose the course of their actions. At a very young age, we are showing them that they are in control. It gives them that sense of independence they so strongly desire.

We didn’t introduce this to our oldest until he was three, but he caught on quickly. Our daughter, as you can tell from the little story at the beginning, talks about her choices constantly. In fact, I am so in the habit now, that I caught myself today telling our 8 month old baby that he was making a bad choice when he pulled my hair. We make it a point to always let them know when they have made a good choice as well. The focus is on the choices they make in general, not just the bad ones. For example, when one of the kids throws a diaper away for me, I say thank you and tell them that was a good choice.By understanding their little choices, they will learn that those little choices lead to big choices later. It is so important for our children to take responsibility for their actions to grow up to become responsible adults. This is the perfect way to get them headed in the right direction and set up for success.

All three of our children have chores to take care of. They have never been given an allowance for them, but we do explain to them that chores are part of running a household. Occasionally we give them a small reward and they’re happy. To me it’s not about the money, it’s about being responsible for tasks and helping out. Often times when children earn an allowance they have lost the purpose of working because they are so focused on how much money they can earn. Sometimes they even neglect doing the chores because it’s simply not worth the money. So we chose not to raise our family that way and it seems to be working for us.

Here are some things to think about when giving your children chores:

• Always consider the age. When kids are young keep it simple. Try to choose simple tasks they may already be doing. Put the label chore or responsibility on the task and they will take pride in their work.

• Make a visual reminder. Find a place that works for everyone and post a chore list. This way there is a constant visual reminder of what needs to be done. For smaller children pictures may be necessary. As they get older a list will be more appropriate.

• Praise your children. We have even written a positive statement at the bottom of our kids chore list. Children love praise and personally I think they don’t get enough of it.

• Be understanding and give a little room for imperfections. My son unloads the dishwasher every day. Sometimes I find a few pieces of silverware out of place. That’s o.k. I can simply fix that without making it a big deal. If I constantly criticize him for this behavior he is less eager to help out.

• Reward your children. Giving small rewards for hard work is a great incentive to keep kids working with a positive attitude. We generally surprise our children so they do not learn to expect them.

• Try to be consistent when it comes to getting the chores done. If a child comes home to find the dishwasher full one day and empty the next, he doesn’t get into a routine of doing his chores. It’s ok to help out every so often, but if you choose specific chores for your children let them have the responsibility of doing them.

I know it’s not easy and we do hear grumbling at times. I wish I could say our kids are perfect and do their chores with a smile every day, but does any kid do that? If you find their parents let me know. I want some tips. I’m sure it will get harder as they get older too. But with some consistency and expectations, I think we are raising some responsible, hard working kids.

Have you ever walked in to a home filled with clutter and mess and felt instantly uncomfortable? Have you ever entered a home that was neat and clean and felt a sigh of relief? That is my point. It has been said time and time again that a clean home is a happy home. Clutter creates chaos. It suggests that there is no need to be responsible for our possessions or our living spaces. Some may say that there is just too much going on to stay on top of things, or they can’t control whomever else is making the messes, or they don’t like to clean, etc…. The bottom line is that it is possible – it’s just takes some trial and error on how to fit it into your groove of daily life. Here are a few suggestions:

• Do at least 2 loads of laundry a day. This way there is never a huge pile-up.
• Wipe down your bathroom sinks and toilets daily. It’ll take 3 minutes tops, and then when the weekend hits – you just have to scrub the tubs and showers and you’ll be out in a jiffy.
• Have a family rule that everyone rinses off their dishes and loads them in the dishwasher after each meal. Empty the dishwasher each morning, so it’s empty for the day. (I know motivating kids to do that is not easy – put into place a reward system for following rules – this I will address in another article!)
• Dejunk, dejunk, and dejunk. (Is that a word??!!) Take a weekend and toss out all the clutter you have. Clean off your desk, empty out the kitchen of all the things you don’t use regularly, organize toys, clean out closets, etc. This way all is clean and all you have to focus on daily is maintaing all that hard work you put into your spring cleaning.
• Put together a chore list for the whole family, including Mom and Dad. Your kids are never too little to help out. It’s a great way to get the work done and to instill in your children their responsibilities for their environment. This will also help them when they hit the real world by knowing how to cook, clean and do their own laundry.

All in all, you are sure to have a fun time with your family as you work together to tidy up your home. Use the time as a great teaching tool for them. You will find your children will focus better on their homework and they will begin to take pride in their posessions. Their future families will thank you for raising neat and clean individuals!