Raising A Family

We all have disagreements and we all argue at some point in time in our marriages. I once heard someone say that in a marriage without any conflict whatsoever, someone must be lying!! When you combine two different people, who were raised in different settings, you are bound to run into a few snags along the way. The goal is to handle them without creating more problems in the process. We oftentimes find ourselves in a rut with our disagreements. We argue, in a sense, the same way each time. Now, if your approach didn’t work the first time, why on earth try it again? Personally, I don’t know! I do it too! Here are a few creative ways to handle your conflicts.

• Break the argument cycle. If you are running in circles saying the same things over and over again, a resolution will never be found. The longer you are in the cycle, the harder it is to get out of it. Take a few minutes to cool off. It’s perfectly fine to stop the discussion, do something separate so you can clear your head, and then come back to the conversation. I’ve found that when we do that, I find myself really trying to understand where my husband is coming from. It helps me not be so selfish.
• Remember that pride impedes change. You don’t always have to be right, and it’s all right to admit that you were wrong. Taking responsibility for hurting the other’s feelings is a huge step. Many people find it hard to apologize, but you will find it is much easier than holding back to make a point.
• Change your setting. If you always end up having a discussion at night, wait until a better time of day. Arguments at night when you are tired are always worse! Try writing down the issues that are bothering you instead of discussing them first. Some people are better at the written word than the verbal. Writing also gives you the time to think out what is being said. Oftentimes we blurt out things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. Try holding hands when you have a discussion. Simply try anything to change your setting!
• Identify your own signs of impatience. Over the years, I have come to recognize the physiological changes in myself as I lose my patience. Those times are not good for finding solutions to your problems. They only instigate a fight. Wait, and discuss later.
• Never bring up past arguments. If it’s in the past, leave it there! No one likes to be drug through the mud more than once.
• Bring closure to the issue at hand. Come up with a solution you are both happy with and then run with it.
• Don’t raise your voice. It is simply impolite to yell. We are all adults and should act accordingly.
• Remember John Gottman’s 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative behavior. Be positive in your discussions. Approach them with the true intent to find a workable solution.
• Don’t take the other for granted. Keep working at making your spouse happy. When they see you doing that, they will overlook petty things that aren’t worth fighting over.

I promise I am no pro at any of this, but it’s certainly worth trying. We’ve really been working on changing our patterns the last 6 months, and I’ve seen a definite change. I heard a very wise man once say that marriage at it’s best is a challenge. It’s a work in progress and most certainly worth the effort. The investment of time and effort into your marriage will pay off. I would venture to say that we all got married to have a deep and fulfilling relationship with our spouse. That comes with work! The more time that passes and the more things you go through will only make it stronger.