Raising A Family

Shortly before my husband and I were married we found our first apartment and my husband moved in. I stopped by one day on my lunch hour to drop some things off. He knew that I was stopping by at some point that day when he wasn’t going to be home. I quickly put the things I had brought away and then stopped to use the bathroom before I headed back to work. As I reached for the toilet paper, I was surprised to find that he had written me a rather lengthy note on the toilet paper. He went on and on about the beginning of our lives together and how excited he was and how much he loved me. I was touched and reminded of how smitten I was and what I lucky girl I was to have found him.

This morning, after he had left for work, I went into the bathroom to get ready for the day and as I reached for the toilet paper – - I found the roll empty and still attached to the holder! My, how things have changed!

Don’t get me wrong, we still love eachother, we are just lazy. We have been married for six and a half years and in the meantime have had 3 children and put my husband through college! It’s been a bit busy, to say the least. Anyone who has been married longer than a few years knows that a certain comfort level kicks in and we relax and forget the romance.

Let’s face it. The rising divorce rate is depressing, so let’s take an opportunity to do a relationship inventory and get us back on track to loving and appreciating our spouse the way we want them to love us. I’ve come up with 10 bad habits that we all can say we’ve had at some point and a way to ditch the behavior. Here they go:

• Pull Out the Silver Polish: After years of marriage we’ve gotten too comfortable with bodily functions and letting ourselves go. Let’s take the time to spruce up, hit the gym and make ourselves look nice for one another, and shut the bathroom door! Remember please and thank-you goes a long way.
• Show Me the Honey: Take time to plan out a date at least every two weeks. And no, the grocery store does not count! They don’t have to be expensive, but you can plan things that are fun and romantic. Act as though you are getting to know each other all over again. Try to have one evening where your conversation does not include your children! Talk politics, interests or just about the two of you. Sitters are pricey, so arrange a swap with some friends so they can have a date night too!
• Tea Time vs Tee Time: How often are we spending time on separate activities? When we were dating we did everything together, not apart. Try to integrate your interests and do things together. Take your wife to the driving rage – she just might enjoy it! Take a cooking class with your husband – he may surprise you to be a fantastic cook!
• Does This Make Me Look Fat? Yes!: Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. Be nice to each other and remember we all have feelings. Being brutally honest can hurt feelings and cause resentment.
• Taking Our Eyes Off the Ball: Talk, talk and talk. We get busy and we don’t take the time to converse with eachother. Remember when you were dating and all you talked about were the names of your future children and how rich you were going to be in 10 years? Take a moment to sit down write out some goals for your family now. Having something to work on together will bring you together.
• Fork in the Road: The longer time passes in our marriages the more we grow as individuals and as a couple. Marriages fail when the growing occurs in opposite directions. If you’ve hit that spot where there is a fork in your road, find out why and try to come back together to start growing together again. No one is perfect and our pathways can be constantly changing. All is not lost.
• He Said She Said: We all fall into routines of titting for tatting. In other words, we have a balance sheet with a running tally of “I did this, so now you need to do that.” When we are constantly focusing on what we’ve done we subconsciously tell the other person we don’t care why they are helping us, we just want it done. Try not paying attention to such small details and you’ll find your spouse doing more than you ever would have gotten out of them if you guilted them into it.
• The Best Defense is the Best Offense: Absolutely not!! If you are forming your response in your mind before your spouse finishes what they are saying, you are NOT listening. Listen to everything they are saying, then tell them how you heard it to clarify that they got their point across. Things are not always understood the way we intend for them to be. Sometimes, it takes others longer to get their point across as well. Give them the time to explain before you give an explosive answer. Listen, Listen and Listen.
• TV or Not TV? Are we lazy? Most definitely as a society we have become quite so. Turn the tube off and do something together that will bring you closer on a daily basis instead of staring at a box together. (My own husband helped me write this a few days ago and it was a ton of fun!)
• Kicking the Dog: Never ever criticize your spouse in front of your children. Your children need to see that you are a united front and that you love eachother unconditionally. They need that to feel secure in life. It also hurts feelings, so it’s best to ditch the behavior. Even behind closed doors, it’s best to be as nice as possible. If there is a concern, address it like adults and be considerate. John Gottman, Phd, a family researcher and professor at the University of Washington, has said that for every one negative interaction, you need to have five positive ones. To receive a negative comment hurts, so make sure you are making lots of positive deposits in to your spouses “bank account.”

My hope is that we can all take a second look at our marriages and spice them up!